It’s holiday season, and A24 characters deserve gifts, too.
The perfect holiday gift is an elusive matter. Consider the matrix of decision-making, especially if you exist in a fictional universe: What gift does your emotionally bankrupt boyfriend—who cheated on you in a communal sex ritual and forgot your birthday—really deserve? Can any earthly object put a twinkle back in your pastor’s eye when he’s already dabbling in eco-terrorism? It’s enough to make you throw your hands up and just buy a roll of Lotto scratchers.
But don’t do that. Consider these well-intentioned gifts instead. After all, ‘tis the season.
The best gift for your romantic partner if they’re…
You’ve had a terrible 2020 (wild guess!), and now he wants to go on a guys’ trip to the Swedish countryside. Let him defy CDC regulations to go meet the local women and take mushrooms. But first, treat him to a pair of gorped-out, Organic Lab-approved Salomon XT-6 hiking shoes. Slip a note that says “take a hike” into one of the shoes. Never look back.
What do you give to the woman who just gifted you an ass tattoo of your name? Diamonds may be a girl’s best friend, but she literally works in a gem store—get more creative. Show her your love with this cheetah print Khaite cashmere bralette, worn by everyone from Katie Holmes to Rihanna. Once she slips this on, you’ll both forget all about that night at 1OAK.
The best gift for your mom if she’s…
Remember when cigarettes were stylish, sort of edgy, not bad for you? Your mom does. Since she has no plans to quit (or switch to vaping, which she finds “uninteresting”), you may as well help her accessorize her Salems with this hand-sculpted, molten glass ashtray. Plus, it matches her bohème bedspread from the 1960s; she’ll think it’s good because it’s pretty.
Your mother deserves a better séance kit than a water glass and a melty old candle. This ultra-luxe Edie Parker Ouija Board won’t make her rapport with lost relatives any less terrifying, but at least it’ll make the endeavor exponentially more chic.
The best gift for your dad if he’s…
Your dad, he who lives for karaoke—and we’re talking large format, banquet hall karaoke—misses the mic. Among this year’s casualties, karaoke bars rank high. Gifting your dad a Singtrix is about more than giving him a microphone, a speaker, and a reason to stop talking to you about money. Singtrix comes with audio controls that make your voice sound “larger than life,” so, really, you’re giving Dad the gift of finally harmonizing with the Fugees.
No other snack (excuse us, hors d’oeuvre) pairs quite so well with a red Alfa Romeo and a wayward casanova lifestyle. CaviAir, a subscription caviar service, comes with the added benefit of membership to another club. Now he won’t even need to leave home to satisfy his caviar cravings, which also means less opportunity for him to hit on your twentysomething waitress.
The best gift for your religious leader if they’re…
… broken inside
In case he’s coming dangerously close to mixing Pepto Bismol with his whiskey, gift him The Anti-Anxiety Notebook, designed by therapists “for whenever you feel something emotionally potent.” He loves to journal and now it's time to step it up. A classic leather-bound notebook is really just a space to wallow in your dread.
… hot (and a sheikh)
Even the most spiritually centered cleric could use something to take the edge off. Booze-free but still-celebratory beverages abound this season, and the new ones are far classier than a sixer of O’Doul’s. Toast your favorite spiritual advisor by gifting him an on-trend bottle of Ghia, a non-alcoholic aperitif billed as a “a drink you’d remember in the morning.” What better way to put him in a good mood before you ask to marry his daughter?
The best gift for your roommate if they’re…
Say you’ve been quarantining for months. Say you’re not alone, and your companion has a case of cabin fever so dire he’s having sexual fantasies about his mermaid scrimshaw. He’s listless, he can’t find any meaning in his brasswork, and he’s started pointing out when you smell weird. Try a SAD lamp! The Bios SkyView promises to boost moods and enhance productivity. It’s going to be a long winter, so consider also: liquid Vitamin E drops, a giant puzzle, a weighted blanket.
He lives in a sleek end-of-days bunker in Alaska and, lucky for you, he’s given you a whole wing to call your own. Unfortunately, he also invented an (almost) infallible home security system and is watching your every move. Give him the gift of a blissful evening, in the form of Lord Jones’ chocolate espresso CBD chews. A dose or two might help him to calm the fuck down and make peace with the fact that one day robots WILL control us all.